How Tinder-ella was looking for her shoe

July 16, 2019



“To the left, to the left. To the left, to the left.” – as Beyonce sings.

Below lies a story of a person who got shadow-banned by Tinder, was unmatched several times due to brutal honesty and generally used it for anything but dating.

This sums up my Tinder experience. Thank you and good luck.

Ever since the launch, I’ve always disliked this app.
Ever since my ex-boyfriend, who loved this app, couldn’t keep it in his pants and proposed an Open Relationship to which I agreed eventually (Concerts, touring, groupies... let’s be honest) because I must’ve really really really loved him and barely loved myself back then.
I used to find it snobbish, shallow and everything but an app to meet people. An app to meet bodies? Probably. An app to fill in the gaps and temporarily escape loneliness? Most definitely.

However, all good things come to an end and I found myself on the “Single” market again. With a bunch of existential questions in my head about love and relationships and after spending years working in nightlife / music industries surrounded by a specific type of men, I hit the ‘download’ button and signed up for this flesh rollercoaster.

Apart from getting bunch of “hahah!” screenshots from people I know who saw my profile (you guys do realize that you were using the app too, right?), I was also lucky that in the past 8 months I took over 16 planes so I unwillingly did some research and made conclusions.

·      You can do a 5-day festival line up based on all the DJ’s and producers you will find in Berlin in one day.
·      French men are as beautiful as they lie. It’s directly proportional. Give me these boys when I was innocent and naive and I would probably have the most beautiful heartbreak.
·      In Lebanon you don’t use Tinder unless you want to find out who is cheating on who.
·      Forget about “we will share a Pepperoni pizza and drive around on his vespa” in Rome.
·      In Armenia they will find you in real life if you don’t answer.
·      Georgians are too busy living and enjoying their wine.
·      In Moscow men are so spoiled, that they will tell you how tall, skinny and smart you have to be. Also add a line in bio that all women are gold-diggers.
& many many more.


In reality, this application is already extra awkward and you are meeting under very specific circumstances, so you will most probably have one of the two following scenarios:
a)    Your date will either be boring as fuck, because they won’t know how to behave and what to say or be extremely nervous.
b)   Your date will be super awesome and they will be super interesting and entertaining which will lead you to thinking that they do this often and this just kills all the vibe.

After going on several dates (didn’t lead to anything), I will tell you that:

  •  There are so many interesting people you can meet and conversations you can have but all the magic disappears once you are facing each other.
  • If you are into “natural” things a.k.a searching for feelings, forget about this app because it kills all the thrill and possible sparks between you two.
  • It’s the easiest way to meet new people if you moved to a new country and not sure which direction to go once you leave your couch (I HOWEVER NEED FEMALE FRIENDS IN BERLIN, PLEASE?)
  • You need to be honest about what you are looking for. Relationship? One-night stand? Fuck buddy? Don’t play this game if you get easily hurt.
  •  It’s a great way to promote an event to foreigners in town or make business connections (guilty as charged)


Now we all heard about this mysterious friend of a friend who found their soulmate on this app and got married and lived happily ever after. I’ve personally never met this “friend” and have a strong feeling that this is a wonderful marketing myth seeded by the app itself.

And guys, we already have so many apps. Please lock your phone screen, get brave and come up to that cute stranger on the street. Does more magic, trust me.

I’ve spent 8 months on the app and I will continue using it only in foreign countries and only when all of my local friends are busy but I feel like hanging out.

Don't Pop That Thing.

July 15, 2019




“Tell me what you know about the night terrors every night
5 A-M cold sweats, waking up to the sky”

It’s awesome that now your partner/friend/family member can just read the previous post and learn how to deal with you before you start running around the room in circles, hyperventilating and asking to call 911, cause there is a slight possibility that you might die randomly out of nowhere just this second, like RIGHT NOW.

But what do you do if you are the victim of your own shit-thoughts? I am sure you don’t do it on purpose but face it: you and only you are responsible of causing this chaos, suffering and unhappiness.

Traditionally, it is recommended to combine pharmacological and psychological treatments in order to achieve success and live a happy life. I however prefer avoiding everything that is sold in a carton pharma box and requires you to swallow it. Unless I am in a physical pain.

So together with your help I’ve listen below things that I’ve tried and that worked for me, as well as recommendations I’ve collected from people.

1.     Therapy.
I remember the day I went to a therapist who after 30 minutes asked me “Why are you here and what do you want from me?”. I wanted a stranger who would listen to me. I didn’t need any help, I just wanted to be heard. After the first session, of me talking non-stop for an hour I’ve realized two important things:
-   This is happening to me because I am too closed emotionally
-       Having friends is great but how many of them know how to actually listen?
That day I went home and for the first time in a while I didn’t have any anxieties in a subway, but rather spent whole road re-thinking my whole approach to friendships and ability to open up.

Therapy didn’t last long because I eventually ran out of things to say, got better and switched a country.

Pluses: You are not being judged, nobody is rushing to give you a shitty advice and this person is not involved in any way in your worries.
Minuses: Can be expensive.


2.     Pills.
I’ve tried pills. I hated it. They make me feel weak, sleepy and unhappy. On top of that, for at least 6 months I had only two types of emotions: Happiness or an absolute apathy. I don’t do Xanax or any other sedatives and I don’t recommend doing it. Also, Xanax addiction can be extremely dangerous. The lethal dosage is actually unknown, but if you enjoy playing Russian Roulette with yourself – feel free to continue.

Pluses: If you are really fucked in your head, can’t sleep/eat/or generally suicidal, might be a temporary solution but you will still need to sort out your H-E-A-D.
Minuses: All the side-effects, addictions and emotional rollercoasters after you stop taking them.

3.     Greeeeen.
Ironically this is how I experienced my first panic attack.
Alternative solution: CBD drops. (If it is legal in your country of course...)

4.     Exiting the room.
Changing location helps a lot as you feel pressured by all four-walls of the room. Just go to another room.

5.     Windows.
Since you are suffocating, open a window if possible and sit next to it while you’re breathing.

6.     Breathing techniques.
I am not going to teach you here how to breathe, so just head to google and check out how to do three-part yoga breathing. Cherry on top: Adding meditation to your routine.

7.     Sports.
Swimming, running, yoga, pilates... you choose! Anything that switches your focus from the problems in your head to your body and helps you love yourself even more.

8.     Candy Crush.
This is my personal favourite. I am at level 334 right now and I only play it when I feel like I am about to get anxious and I am in a public space.


Your recommendations.

1.     Religion. Being closer to God and practicing your faith.
2.     Splashing cold water on your face or hydrotherapy.
3.     Magnesium / B6 vitamins. They do help a lot. Probably the only pills I would recommend.
4.     If you really trust them and can be open, talking to a friend/family may be beneficial.
5.     Music (Ultimate cure)
6.     Organizing things around you: dishes, cleaning the house, redecorating. Practically finding ways to occupy your brain.
7.     Long walks in the evening.
8.     Alcohol. (I actually stopped drinking cause my anxieties would get much worse the morning after)

But you know what?
In the beginning my therapist told me that I should quit my job, change my country, fall in love and have a lot of sex.
And guess what? I did all that and forgot about all anxieties for at least 3 years.

Just find love that cures, not destroys you, a job that you love, a place that you enjoy.

Easy to say, hard to do. Go get started.